When Arbit Arnab meets Revolutionary Bhagat and Tsunami Gandhi

Ornob: The question is in the public domain. Tell me, Mr. Bhagat, who is this half girlfriend?

CB: It is a regular story of a boy from a regular IIT who...

Ornob: No, Mr. Bhagat. Let me finish. How can you call a girl half?

CB: I understand. But, it all started in a small town, when a boy had a dream, of making it big in IIT and... 

Ornob: Mr. Bhagat, Mr. Bhagat. The nation wants to know. Is this even correct usage of English? Is this what we have waited all these years to hear from you?

CB: The discussion was never about English. It was never about halves. It is about a simple boy, who decides he will go to IIT to win this girl he knew from his KG days and marry her someday. It is a story of aspirations, of goals beyond comprehension. It is the coming of age…

Ornob: Mr. Bhagat. Let me finish. What you are trying to do here is justify your actions. The nation does not want your justifications. By calling her the half girlfriend, what are you trying to suggest? What message does this give to the Indian boy? The guy who waits for your book all year long, what does he take away from this? How are you going to explain this? You owe the nation an answer.

CB: India is a force that is moving towards big things. We have Mangalyaan in orbit today. We have MOM. Is there a power greater than MOM? That is why, the protagonist, this young boy, the man with hopes of building a career in science, writes the JEE...

RaGa: I have always believed in the true strength of escape velocity. I have spoken about the power of India, women empowerment, tsunami speeds and the strength of Mom. Finally, India has woken up to these truths. It is a true tryst with destiny...

Ornob: Mr. Gandhi. We are NOT discussing your Mom. You have some explaining to do here. Explain right now why you have not spoken about the Mangalyaan mission yet to the media. Do you believe, I repeat, do you believe, do you, truly and sincerely believe, that this Mangalyaan mission would have happened had you been Prime Minister? Tell us now, Mr. Gandhi. What explanation do you have for this?

RaGa: We are a super power, we are a secular force. We have always achieved the best. India is hurtling at a very great speed with no speed breakers. Our days of the banana republic are over. The system needs to be changed. The system of...

CB: In the end, we will have a revolution. The revolution will take us beyond 2020. In that millennium, there will be many more IITs and many more young men, with love in their hearts, and IIT in their brains...

Ornob: Gentlemen, gentlemen. This is not a discussion. This is chaos. You have still not answered what the nation wants to know. The nation does not have the time to listen to your ramblings. The nation, the nation...

RaGa: Rahul Gandhi is not a person. Rahul Gandhi is a movement, a movement of many different revolutions. Anyone can write about a revolution. But, who can lead a revolution? India should think now. My grandfather died, and I cried. My grandmother died, and I howled...

Ornob: Mr. Gandhi, we are SICK of listening to your “death”ly stories. We do not have time for your dramatics. I will not tolerate such behavior on this show, this show that millions of billions of zillions of people watch to get answers to important questions on Deepika's cleavage.

CB: Think about that middle class boy, that boy who does not understand cleavage, and is craving to know more. This is who the real India is, the India I reach out to, the India that is steeped in social media. My real competition is not Jeffrey Archer, but WhatsApp and Facebook and Instagram.

Ornob: Allow me to complete what the nation wants to hear.

RaGa: India is orbiting towards Mars. We will acquire Mars.

CB: India is a revolution.

Ornob: LET ME SPEAK. THIS IS MY SHOW. And, that’s all we have for tonight on NewsHour. Send in your comments and we will publish them on page 1 along with a full length photo of some actress’ cleavage. As to which actress that will be, wait for tomorrow’s edition.

Many a discussion on the boobs and the girl

I haven’t seen this latest controversial picture of Deepika Padukone’s cleavage. But, my curiosity to review her boobs has hardly been upped by the controversy, given I have seen those being generously flaunted in many a movie and magazine photo shoot. Also, you know, I do know how cleavage looks. So, not interested. No.

But, not seeing the pic hasn’t spared me the horror of Deepika’s outrage tweet and the follow up tweets by her Bollywood brethren. “Appalled”, says Karan Johar. Respect, brave girl, go girl etc. are some of the keywords used in tweets by other eminent professionals like Priyanka Chopra, Anushka Sharma and Huma Querishi, not necessarily in that order. And, some of our distinguished newspapers (not ToI) have pulled these tweets together and made multiple news articles off the combination. So, I am fully informed and all that. Yes.

But, outrages over what politicians say and what the media publishes are so yesterday. This week is outrage over the outrage week. She is an actor, for heaven’s sake. It is her bloody job to flaunt her physical assets, cleavage included. She does it in so many movies and item songs and advertisements and… So, how can she have a problem with ToI surreptitiously clicking pictures of her cleavage and flashing those for the benefit of well-informed Twitterati? Also, wasn’t that the week her movie Finding Fanny released? These actors na, they will do anything to promote their movies. Moreover, when we don’t have a problem with SRK’s (chemically induced) six-pack and Aamir Khan’s (apparently built from hard work) eight-pack, why are we making noise about DP’s two-pack?

Is there something ridiculously wrong with these arguments? I believe there is. Because joining the outrage over outrage bandwagon is so passé. Also, because I am mildly pissed off.

Her boobs are shown in movies that she consented to work in. Assuming that her boobs are free to be photographed by any TDH and flashed anywhere, and that she should sit back silently because she is an actor is akin to thinking there is nothing wrong in raping a prostitute (a wise comment made by the wise Nivi).

On that note, SRK’s and Aamir Khan’s multi-pack photographs are from movies. It isn’t even logical to compare the two situations.

Also, even if it is true that this was a publicity stunt her PR team pulled off as part of the Finding Fanny publicity, why are we all cheapening ourselves by outraging over her outrage? Doesn’t that mean we are all endorsing what ToI did i.e., click a picture of a personal spot in stealth, and upload it on Twitter almost a year later.

If we are never going to give benefit of doubt to anyone, because of the way he/she dresses or because of his/her career, wouldn’t we all end up speaking like some of our politicians someday, that rapes are political conspiracies and women have an equal role to play in a rape?

Well, all that apart, I hear side boob is the new cleavage. ToI, when and where is the next photo shoot?

Where art thou?

Normalcy, normalcy, where art thou?

Right by you, in the aisle seat on your row.

Normalcy, normalcy, is that common?

There is no definition for me, often.

Normalcy, normalcy, but I want peace

One man’s peace is another’s grief.

Normalcy, normalcy, I seek thou in vain.

Seek me forever and nothing you shalt gain

Normalcy, normalcy, but I need you by my side

I am by you, always by you child.

Seek me not, in pursuit of an end,

Seek me not, wanting to amend,

Actions set, to a wheel of motion,

For those are done, those are frozen.

You will sense me, when you lie down,

Take a deep breath and lose that frown,

With a book in hand, love on your mind

You will forget to cry, and smile unconfined.